Going in Circles

This will be my last work day of 2010…relatively speaking. My duties in the Conference Office will be put on hold for a few days as I exchange one boss for another. I already got a taste of it yesterday evening when I was called into service under false pretense by my wife. She had me drop her off at the Fashion Mall of Scottsdale, a den of iniquity if ever there was one, after having enjoyed a pleasant time at a vegan restaurant in the seedy side of Scottsdale (yes, there is a seedy side in Scottsdale). I had a surprisingly delicious bowl of vegan menudo—yes, it was delicious menudo. I will probably go back and visit this place again. But I digress….

I returned to work with the instructions that I should expect a phone call later on in the day to pick her up. I was happy to do this, although the trip back entailed a significant amount of city driving. It was worth it if it meant I would not have to engage in the pointless task of shopping. Yes, shopping. I understand the need for buying. As painful as it is, I comprehend the importance of purchasing items required for specific reasons related to family, friends, and home maintenance. But shopping? People who shop are like people who play with their food. They are at the table but they seldom take a bite and thus take hours to eat a plate of food that should otherwise take ten minutes to consume. Sometimes they do not eat at all! What’s the point! If you sit at the table—eat! But I digress, again….

I got the phone call at about 6:30 p.m. By then I had already called it quits at work and was in my Prius heading to the mall. Penny, my wonderful and beautiful wife of over 30 years, instructed me to pick her up at the Nordstrom’s entrance on the side of the parking structure. I imagined the exercise would be simple enough. I called Penny letting her know, as requested, that I was close to arriving. No response. I called again. No response. I drove to the entrance and called again. No response again! My stress level was beginning to rise with every trip around the block and corresponding phone call without response. After what seemed like my Jericho-like seventh trip around Nordstrom’s I was finally able to connect with Penny, who had apparently left her phone at one of the stores where she had been earlier in the evening (a very rare and uncharacteristic behavior for Penny….I sense a little sarcasm emanating).

By the time I saw Penny walking towards the car while carrying the spoils of her shopping and talking with me on the phone about one more stop she just had to make before returning home I knew the trap had been set and had been sprung in one graceful swoop. I had been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Bait and switched! I had been led like a lemming to the precipice—like a bull to the slaughterhouse! It was too late to escape—to late to feign a bad mobile phone connection.

Three hours and a blur of stores and malls later I arrived at home exhausted and emotionally drained by the encounters with the hordes of shoppers, some with their out-of-control cretins in tow wreaking havoc in their wake. Oh the humanity! I am alive today—a miracle in itself. Only two more days remain before the holiday-induced frenzy and fanfare around me will end…until next year. Bah, humbug!